Less Than Meets the Eye.

In case my previous post didn't hint at my utter lack of enthusiasm for the Transformers film, let me be completely up front: I will never, ever see this movie.

Naysayers will scream that it's a popcorn flick and you just have to turn your brain off and have a great time. (I have no idea when those two ideas became mutually exclusive in pop culture, but it was a tragic day.) Whatever. I don't care about the story, I don't give a crap how faithful the filmmakers were or weren't to the old cartoons and toys and comic books, and I don't necessarily mind that Michael Bay directed it, even though I've sworn never to watch one of his films again after Armageddon and Bad Boys I and II. (Wasn't stupid enough to go near Pearl Harbor or The Island, though!)

Here's what killed my enthusiasm: the robots look like metal shavings piled on a magnet.

They aren't cool, they're junk.

If you make a giant robot movie and the giant robots suck, guess what? Your movie sucks.

However, I know I can be overly critical of these things, and I'm not necessarily the ideal audience for this kind of summer blockbuster entertainment (even though I enjoyed Live Free or Die Hard, and some of my all-time favorite films are summer blockbusters like Raiders of the Lost Ark and Ghostbusters).

So I'll let my brother speak for me. This is the very same brother who has been gushing about Transformers on IM for months. When I've dismissed it, he's constantly responded that I should get over myself, just have fun with it, it's our childhood, etc. He even called me at work while he was waiting in line Tuesday morning for the first show of the day, brimming with enthusiasm.

In other words: he is the intended audience for the movie. He's an easy sell: it doesn't have to be a masterpiece, just make it good and you've got him.

So what happened? In his words:

[I]t sucked. I actually got a headache watching it?! Those robots, while looking kind of "manga" detailed, when they moved, in 70mm... ouch! I couldn't tell what the hell was happening! Bay should have slowed their motion down more or something, I really couldn't tell you who hit who with what, or where the leg was. It was bad in that sense. I couldn't help getting these little goosebumps though with them transforming, when Prime first appeared. A couple of scenes with Bumble-Vette...er... Cor-Bee... Whatever! He had some good scenes with Spike. (The only thing that worked was Shia's Spike character)

I had to admit I was sad to see what happened to the franchise, but who cares! We (our generation) got Transformers at the peak of cool. It was fun, but... moving on. Let this generation of kids play with these imitations.

However, with a different director, a sequel could be better than the first. Although I doubt [it]. To sum up the film best, there is a scene in the beginning with Spike getting his first "car". Bernie Mac is the salesman, but not funny. The corvette drives onto the lot, and parks next to a VW yellow beetle. Your head tells you, oh... Bumble-Bee! Then to keep Spike from trying out the VW, the Corvette, opens its door, and mashes the beetle's side, pushing it into a wall. That is exactly what Bay did to the franchise. Like a fucking spoiled brat with the keys to the castle, he paid zero respect to the original series, or its creators. I have to admit, I got mad.

Anyway, good job, good call. You were right.

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.