The Movie Club Redux, Part 10-1/2: Now I Remember!

TO: Levi, Tavis, Lin
FROM: Boltron
RE: It came to me...

That "other film" for which the critics wildly bellowed but whose title I forgot?

It was Grindhouse — or half of it, at any rate, since I joined almost the entire universe in (wisely) avoiding the theatrical release in droves.

I caught up with Death Proof, the Tarantino installment, on DVD. It probably makes some kind of sense to split the two movies up, even though I would argue they have exactly the same essential fan base. And in a project as dick-brained as this one — paying homage to a long-dead "genre" whose biggest kicks have already been absorbed into the mainstream and whose target audience would have to be at least 40 to recall the actual grindhouse experience — I would argue the fans are the only ones who'll jump onboard. (All box office evidence to the contrary.)

The problem with splitting the movies is having to add extra footage to fit the running time for a feature, whereas both segments could run a tad short when squeezed together. I know several people who sat through Grindhouse in the theater and begged to have those precious three (!!) hours of their lives back — but I'll go ahead and counter that that's nothing compared to sitting through Death Proof at its full, interminable length.

Imagine the unbearably self-indulgent Tarantino short from Four Rooms blown up to four times its length, with a few not-so-impressive car chases tossed in.

Now replace the preening male characters from that film with not one, but TWO sets of equally preening female caricatures who all look, dress, and act like Tarantino action figures.

And all sound like Tarantino.

Every single, God-bless-ya one of them.

To someone like me, who has admired Tarantino's films even while praying I never have to listen to the man speak again, it was excruciating — like having a Tarantino body snatcher possess a gaggle of beautiful women and turn them into diarrhea-mouthed, uber-nerdy retards for two hours.

That first half in the bar goes on FOREVER. And NOTHING happens!

It finally got to the point that I started skipping chapters, during the Rosario Dawson segment, just so they'd shut the fuck up and do some killin' (or get killed — which, alas, didn't happen). I hated the first Saw movie and haven't been interested in seeing any of the other "torture porn" flicks, but I really would have traded Tarantino's whole film just to watch some Hostel sadist show up and torture these characters to death.

When the climactic chase comes, it hinges completely on the stunt woman character doing something so pointlessly, idiotically dangerous that it transcends thrill-seeking and becomes a kamikaze suicide attempt. Are we supposed to care that someone this stupid might get killed by Kurt Russell's big, bad car? Isn't that like asking to feel sorry for a twelve-pack-a-day smoker who somehow gets lung cancer?

I did like Russell as Stuntman Mike, even though his character doesn't make a lick of sense. When he got shot and screamed "WHY?!" in a cowardly, whiny falsetto, it earned probably the only genuine laugh the movie squeezed out of me.

I'm hypercritical, I can admit that. And I sometimes have high expectations. Sometimes when I finish a book and I hate the ending or feel cheated, I'll get angry and throw it across the room at the far wall.

Death Proof was the first time I'd seriously considered pulling a DVD out of the player and hurling it against the far wall. But I didn't want to report the broken disc to poor Netflix.

Sure enough, I go online, still shaking with anger and frustration, and what do I find on Rotten Tomatoes? 81% fresh rating! Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman proves himself (yet again) to be a human asshat when he writes, "It summons the most crackerjack pop charge of any movie with Tarantino's name on it since Pulp Fiction."

Owen, seriously. Nickel ads is looking for a new copywriter. Better fit, good benefits — check it out.

Did any of you have a different reaction to Tarantino's circle-jerk?

I avoided Planet Terror because I don't generally like Rodriguez films that don't have the credit "Co-directed by Frank Miller." Did I miss out on the one good half of Grindhouse? Would I have been better off sitting through the theatrical release instead... or just avoiding the whole thing altogether?